


Too Much.

by xXApple_SauceXx



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:22:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26426314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xXApple_SauceXx/pseuds/xXApple_SauceXx
Summary: Dirk has a not so great conversation with Jane.
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider, Jane Crocker/Jake English
Kudos: 15





	Too Much.

You've been sitting, staring at your screen with a blank expression for at least an hour by now. Your pesterchum app makes your laptop buzz once more. Your eye finally moves to look at the new notification.

TG: doek wyd i stg ru k?

TG: *dork

You don't respond. Your hand moves with your mouse that you've been gripping way too hard. You scroll up your message history with Jane.

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] started pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 2:25 PM --

GG: Fuckass, stop! >;B

GG: If you write one more dummy self deprecating line to him I'll cut your head off myself!

TT: What the fuck Jane? When was it we last talked? Not even I remember and I usually remember a lot. It's been months, you've been ignoring my extremely civil attempts at conversation for months and the first thing you say to me is "Fuckass, stop."?

TT: Honestly, are you serious? If you're referring to our conversation with Jake, this is none of your business.

GG: It so is my business! >:O Jakey is my boyfriend now, his well being is my very first responsibility.

GG: And you're most definitely making my job way harder than it has to be.

TT: What do you want me to do? Am I to bottle up my feelings for your pleasure?

GG: It's for Jake's wellbeing!! I suggest you go fuck yourself and don't bother Jake with your sad shit again.

GG: Honestly speaking, how selfish can you get?

TT: Me? Nah dude I'm not selfish at all. Not me fam.

TT: But just for you I won't talk to him until our wait is over, how's that? I don't need to talk to anyone who sends their girlfriends after me.

GG: Thank you Dirk. I'm sure you won't need to talk to him when our wait is over either. Jake deserves better than you. </3

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 2:30 AM --

You get another notification from Roxy. You click to open the chat screen.

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] started pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 3:29 AM --

TG: doek wyd i stg ru k?

TG: *dork

TG: :( diky janes talkin 2 me whatd u dooo

TT: Fuck off.

TG: whats the hostitty?

TG: *hostility

TT: Long story.

TG: gimme the short ver.

TG: itsy butsy tiny versin

TG: *version

TT: The shortened version is that I'm "no longer allowed" to talk to Jake. And I sure as hell will not be talking to Jane. That leaves you in a weird situation. I'm sure you would much rather talk to the both of them instead of me. I'm used to it already therefore I'm volunteering to not talk to you instead of them.

TG: disky noooo

TG: what if i wanna talk 2 every1 :/

TT: Tough fucking luck then.

TG: fuck u struder im talkin 2 u no matter if u want me 2 r not

TT: That isn't up to you to decide.

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] blocked tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 3:35 AM --

Fuck. What the fuck did you do. Why the fuck did you do that. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Your hand, which has already let go of the mouse, starts tapping on the wooden table under it. You know where this is going. You could get up right now, you could grab a cube of ice to chew or open up a breathing gif. You do neither of those. Instead you let your feelings take over your body. Your hands slide down to your thighs. Your nails sink into your skin by default. Your arms start shaking and soon after your whole body follows suit. 

Death seems like a good option at this point. You know you've hurt Jake. You know you can never take that back. The metaphorical wounds that you've inflicted will never heal. You will never be as close to Jake again. Hell, you'd be lucky if you ever got a text from him again. You are sure life will never get better. Neither will you. You were acting too immature and needy. Maybe, you think, if you hadn't grown up alone... Maybe then you would know how to act around your friends, around him. Maybe then this could have been avoided.

Your eyes sting. Nothing comes out, just like any other day. You force yourself to shake less as you get up from your desk. The faint light of pesterchum reflecting from your laptop screen is the only thing lighting up the room. You walk over to your desk drawer. You know you have some antidepressants left over from your last alchemizing session. You grab the orange bottle and pop the lid open. Around a week's supply of medicine falls into your hand.

For the first time in your life, you grin wide with emotion. Happiness, you think. Hope, that you might not wake up to a new day.

Your hand shakes as you lift if up to your mouth along with a half empty bottle of orange soda. You gulp all of them down at once and lay down on your bed.

Your heartbeat fastens so much that you think you might have a heart attack soon. Good, you think. You fall asleep after half an hour of staring at the roof.

Yet when you wake up the next morning, you can't seem to feel bad. You feel good, more apathetic than usual, but good nonetheless. You know you'll try this again when the high from your meds drops. You will alchemize more medicine next time. Maybe you'll succeed then. Just maybe you won't feel like such a failure when your consciousness fades away into nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written to vent. Please don't use Dirk as an example. Stay safe. Ily!


End file.
